SHIFT INTO DRIVE, WAIT FOR DIAL TONE

By George Klass (10-26-10)

Ever heard the phrase, "that person couldn't walk and chew gum at the same time"?  Well, here in California, there is a law that went into effect a couple of years ago that makes it a penalty to drive and talk on a cell phone at the same time.  I've heard that other states are doing it too.  I guess that for some folks, this may be a good idea.  I've seen many folks that can't do both simultaneously.  On the other hand, I've seen many folks that can't drive and breath in and out at the same time.  Even with strict and absolute concentration on just driving, they are a danger behind the wheel.

Now, I guess that I do know some people (particularly of the female variety) that shouldn't be talking on their cell phones while driving.  I'm sure that we all do, don't we?  I see plenty of these ladies that shouldn't be listening to their radio, changing stations, changing tracks on their CD's, adjusting their bra straps, checking their makeup, these sorts of things, while driving.  I do understand that this is part and parcel to being a woman but it's a danger, none the less.

With men behind the wheel, there are only two areas of concern in this regard.  Thinking about the girl in the car in the next lane or looking at the girl in the car in the next lane.

In fact, as difficult as this is for me to say, men should be forbidden to even think about women while driving.  You see, normally, when a man thinks about women, he smiles.  It is virtually impossible to have nice thoughts about women without a smile breaking out across your face.  This is a very serious issue.  It has been proven in university studies that smiling has a tendency to cause the corners of the eyes to pinch up in such a way that full vision becomes impaired.  This condition appears to have an adverse effect on depth perception.

So, along with the ban on cell phone use while driving, new laws could soon go into affect banning men from thinking about women.

This is going to be a difficult law to enforce however, as there are several types of "thinking about women" that create no negative result on men's driving skills.  If for instance, the thoughts are more of the negative variety, the pinching of the eyes does not seem to occur.  If a man is thinking about his wife's credit card bill at the shoe store or about how she just put a serious ding in the front fender of his new Mustang while shopping at the mall, these thoughts actual cause him to drive with heightened awareness.  Since these kinds of thoughts don't elicit a smile on a man's face, it means that there is no pinching of the eyes, which means that his vision is not reduced, etc., etc.  In fact, the scowl that goes across a man's face during these negative thoughts actually increases his concentration.  Unlike smiling, a scowl causes a man's eyes to bug out from his very head.  THIS is the way to drive a vehicle, with your eyes bulging out, a snarl on your lips and hatred in your heart.

I have been doing a little research of my own lately, knowing that these new laws are just around the corner.  I wouldn't worry too much about cell phones, at least not with the male drivers.  Let's face it, when a man is on his cell phone, it relates to business, to decision making, to running the world.  It has nothing whatsoever to do with two women discussing the latest shipment of handbags that just arrived at Nordstrom's. 

Besides that, other than business calls on his cell phone, it appears to me that every man driving down the freeways in the L.A. area must be entertaining negative thoughts about his wife or his girl friend (or possibly both) because he sure looks pissed off at something.

It's also possible, of course, that he could just be pissed off at the woman in front of him, jabbering on her cell phone, waving her right hand in the air to make a point, holding the phone with her left hand and steering with one of her knees while driving down the freeway, who knows?      

I'm going to talk to Arnold about this, right after the Street Car Super Nationals in November.  I'm Ok about the banning of cell phone while driving, provided that it only affects women.

GK

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